Shitty Product Reviews: Black Pantyhose I Bought at the Grocery Store

The best part of my day was throwing you away.  I thought about fishing you out of the bathroom trashcan so I could throw you away again in the kitchen trashcan. 

I would like to say that putting one leg inside you was as soothing as stepping all the way into a tent worm nest but I don’t want mislead anyone into believing that you have a fraction of the design integrity of a tent worm nest.

How demoralizing that when I called upon you to perform the task for which you were created, you ran.  Is my calf so imposing?  Is my skin so coarse?  Are my hands so monstrously ungentle?

“Horror!” I heard you scream.  “Horror!  This is no woman’s leg!  I cannot!”

I would whirl you above my head and toss you on the barrel fire in solidarity with the bra burners who came before me but I think you are made of plastic and we’re in enough trouble with all of that as it is.

Maybe something good will come of you.  Probably, you’ll be cast out to sea.  There you may tangle with like-designed shitty plastic things and create a breeding sanctuary for vulnerable plankton.

This possibility will help me sleep nights.  It will fortify me when I look our children in the eyes and beg their forgiveness for buying you when I knew better – for asking our ecosystem to accommodate another ridiculous piece of trash.