Stuff I'm Listening To (8/8/23)

You may not believe it but, again, I have found myself relating to the letter writer in an episode of Dear Therapists (Alexis’s Controlling Family, S4 E9). I did not immediately recognize myself in the title of the episode but as is often the case, once Lori and Guy sniffed out the meat and bolts of the guest’s dilemma, I said, “Ahha! There I am!”

The lady, Alexis, survives in the world by asking for and expecting no help. She is so preoccupied with gauging other peoples’ emotional limits and reactivity that she’s 100% out of touch with her own emotions and emotional needs.

I found a dead body once and after my part with the emergency responders was done, an EMT asked me if there was anyone I could call because I didn’t look okay to drive myself home.

Of course there were people I could call but my body wouldn’t let me. I didn’t want to worry anyone or make them drive any distance to pick me up or bother them at work. Even after I drove myself home, I didn’t tell anyone what happened until the next day.

When I say my body wouldn’t let me, I mean I could not press the call button on my phone. I could not imagine how I would start the conversation. What words would I use? What tone? What if the person I called said, “How are you?” or tried to make small talk? What if they said, “How can I help you right now?” I had no idea what to even ask for. Why would I reach out if I don’t know what to ask for? It would be silly. I’m fine.

So rather than let my capable friends and family help me through an internet-confirmed traumatic experience — because I thought, I can see into the future enough to know that they can’t help me AND more importantly, I’m not the kind of person who needs help or deserves help with this kind of stuff — I froze.

This event in my life is special for a lot of reasons and I may talk about it a lot. Because it changed me. Or it helped me see things I wanted to change. It took stumbling over a dead person for me to understand that I have body freezing up issues asking for help.

I love Dear Therapists because even though Alexis, the letter writer, and I have different growing up stories, enough about her family dynamic resonates with me, and helps me understand how we both got stuck on similar icebergs.

The other podcast I listened to was Pod Save America (Judge May Shush Trump…In America??). Nothing profound or therapy related but a wonderful thing I learned was that Jon Bon Jovi hand-wrote the lyrics to “It’s My Life,” had the paper framed and sent to Chris Christie who then presented it to President Zelensky during his rescent trip to Ukraine. Just, what a world, is all.