Hoping for the Best, Preparing for the Worst

If a majority of Americans vote for Donald Trump and he is our next president, I will not move to Canada because I don’t have any marketable skills or celebrity appeal so I probably wouldn’t be granted citizenship.  Also I don’t think I have any friends there. 

If Donald Trump wins the presidency I will dig my shame helmet out of the closet, draw a line through George W. Bush’s name with a Sharpie and write Trump’s name above it.  Then I will try to re-create all the events of my life that occurred between 2000 and 2008 only this time around I’ll make better decisions because I’m older and feel more comfortable in my shame helmet. 

If Donald Trump wins the presidency, I will greet each of the four riders of the apocalypse as brothers, bid them welcome in my home and offer them snacks of peanut butter, tuna, and fizzy water.  Then we’ll probably just watch YouTubes and talk about our parents. 

If Donald Trump wins the presidency I will send edible arrangements and Target gift cards to foreign leaders to let them know how much I appreciate their patience as we navigate this awkward phase at home.

If Donald Trump wins the presidency I think I’ll feel about it the way I feel when I look at my college transcript.  Like, I’m disappointed, but if I’m being honest with myself, the numbers make sense. 

There is a thing I say that comes across a little downer, but when I say it, what I’m really trying to do is secure a toe-hold against despair.  I’ll say, “No matter how bad it is, it can always get worse.”  And that’s what I'd remind myself every morning Donald Trump is president, should he win that office.