more personal than that to which we are accustomed
I'm gonna talk about being depressed. I want to say this right away in case you hate it when people talk about being depressed. No judging from me. Get out now if you want. It's something that's been on my mind a lot lately, because I'm depressed. Also the word “fuck” appears three times after this time.
Let's call it seasonal depression. That's more socially acceptable. I'll posit that I am seasonally depressed, and the season is extending into the beautiful spring.
This is fine. It's a thing that happens. I am not weepy or even sad really. I'm not a danger to myself or others. I get up and go to work and come home from work and sometimes hang out with friends.
The difference is that everything – EVERYTHING – feels a lot harder. Comically more difficult.
I imagine that successful people have cheerleaders jumping and whooohoooing and shouting encouragements in their heads like, “Obstacles are a low calorie snacks and you’ve done your Pilates so eat up, girl! Kill that GRE! Murder that rough draft! Knife-fight that promotion into being!”
My cheerleaders chant more modest, often hygiene-related, encouragements like, “Brush your teeth! You'll feel less gross! You don’t have to wash your hair, but maybe wear a hat!”
If I could draw a cartoon of my seasonal depression, it would be of a braless lady in stretch pants and a stained over-sized Tweety Bird t-shirt buying tall boys, Totino's frozen pizzas, and a jar of dipping ranch at 7-11 with a roll of quarters, not giving a fuck.
That last part is the dominant flavor of a sturdy seasonal depression. I don't mean I don't give a fuck because I'm a rebel. I mean, I don't give a fuck because I can't, temporarily.
Maybe I’ll amend this conclusion later, but it’s liberating sometimes to operate in pure inertia mode. It’s like waking up as the main character of a post-apocalyptic movie. My goals are more clearly defined: Well, I’ve got this entire decimated city to myself; I’d better find a source of fiber if I want to maintain any quality of life.
What I need to do when I am seasonally diminished is keep on keeping on: I need to eat healthy food; I need to go outside; I need to exercise; I need to floss and do laundry.
My cheerleaders have told me, you can't fight The Nothing with nothing. So that’s what I’ve been up to. It’s just hard to convey to other people that it’s a lot.